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A Reflection
"I would like to say that through no fault of my own, I had my life blown up
and received these life-altering scars, but sadly, that is not the case.
I trusted those around me and did things without question."
Ally Brown
I am a proud friend of the White Collar Support Group which meets on Zoom on Monday evenings. On March 6, 2023, they held their 350th meeting - marking 7 years of service in helping the community. In honor of this milestone, I was asked to contribute my reflection for publication on their websites, emails, newsletters, and social media.
I have a first-hand perspective of what it is to be in the blast radius of white-collar crime and all the sufferings and adversities one must endure while navigating the journey and beyond.
In 2009, my (ex) husband was convicted on the county level of charges relating to mortgage fraud. In 2010, it was brought to the federal level and at that point, I, as well as many others were made part of the explosion. I would like to say that through no fault of my own, I had my life blown up and received these life-altering scars, but sadly, that is not the case. I trusted those around me and did things without question. As such, in 2011, I made the choice to accept a plea deal…and at that moment my life changed as I, who never even had so much as a parking ticket, became emblazoned with the Scarlet “F” of a felon.
This “fraud” was just one piece of a 20+ year puzzle that became evident once he was not there to manipulate the pieces. What I thought was happening around me throughout the life we shared together was just a facade that he created to hide the shenanigans he had been pulling for so many years …including falsifying information on his college loans just a year into our relationship, using monies left to our children by my late grandmother to pay for his high priced attorney, and selling the grass from the yard of the home we were supposedly selling.
I was not the wife who stood by her man, and although he deserved it, it only added to the amount of failure that I felt as a mother, a wife, a daughter, and a friend. I considered myself a smart woman, yet I trusted those around me and did so without question. As a result, I received life-altering scars.
In my path of healing, I needed to make amends. It was what the law required and what all the books say. To be successful, I first had to free myself from the control of others. I had to begin to forgive whether it was deserved or not. Not forget or excuse the harm that was done but forgive it. One day, I forgave the one I thought I most needed to, my ex. I felt at that moment that the burden of the world was lifted from me, but the feeling did not last long. I was back to the anger, depression, sadness, and a thousand other feelings that overtook my very existence. Over time, I gave forgiveness to the not-so-obvious people… those who, in retrospect, used my need for their help as a manipulative tool for their own benefit. Once again, I felt time-constrained relief.
Day in and day out I battled to try to figure out how to escape the torture chamber I was living in.
Then life hit true rock bottom. You know that's where you are when you are hit smack in the face with the realization that the action you just did resulted in "WTF?" and you find yourself screaming in your car and crying alone in a closet.
Strangely enough, that was probably one of the best days of my life! You see, retail therapy came next. While wandering around a store, trying to hold my emotions together, trying to figure out how to just feel better - at least for a few minutes - I turned a corner and saw a simple framed print with words that would change my life..."Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly"
That moment began a long scary emotional roller coaster of self-discovery, of learning that my own self-critical thinking was combining with societal conditioning to make me feel irrelevant, guilt-ridden, stressed, anxious, insecure, frustrated, unworthy, uncertain, never seen, never good enough. What I came to learn was that the person I most needed to forgive so that I could move forward was me. I then dedicated my time and learned psychological principles and numerous techniques to bridge the disconnection that I had between what I rationally knew and what I was feeling, between my thoughts and my actions.
I learned to accept what happened in my life and refused to let it define me.
I learned to understand that people may have a perception of me but that is not who I am.
I forgave myself for my mistakes and believe that I deserve a happy fulfilling life.
It truly is a life sentence. One that can show its ugliness when you least expect it. However, it is a Iife sentence that I am grateful for. As with each twist and turn I had to make a choice to let what was happening ruin me or to forge ahead. In doing such, I found a strength in me that I didn’t know I had and discovered who I truly am.
Now, many years later, and with a little faith in the world, trust in myself, and a sprinkling of pixie dust just for good measure, I am living that happy and fulfilling life.
Today I help others who have had the rug ripped out from under them, who battle the scars of deception every day, and who need to discover that dreams can still come true.
If you are in need of support or guidance with regard to navigating the prison system, and after, please explore the White Collar Support Group. It is the world's first confidential online support group, and the work of Rev. Jeff Grant and his group, Progressive Prison Ministries, Inc. It is a community of individuals, families, and groups with white-collar justice issues that want to take responsibility, make amends, and move forward.
Until next time…..
Take some time to reflect!